Archive for the ‘Tube’ category

Video of the Day: Fluorescent Pink Jailbait Edition

October 27, 2010

I’m gonna talk you through this one…

0:18 – That’s Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas. Apparently she used to be white.

0:39 – Whoa, that little shrimpy girl on the right is dancing a little too sexy for a nine year-old.

0:51 – Ah! Little sexy midget girl is Jennifer Love Hewitt!

0:58 – Tonya Harding?

1:09 – KEYTAR!

1:35 – Those guys got beat up in high school. A lot. Odds are at least one of them is a woman now.

You’re welcome.


’80s Movies You Forgot Became TV Shows

August 8, 2010

Any child of the ’80s remembers some of our favorite films being reincarnated as TV shows (RobocopHarry and the Hendersons, Beetlejuice. Even Muppet Babies was based on a scene from Muppets Take Manhattan). The most memorable for me was Ghostbusters (which for some reason was called The Real Ghostbusters as a cartoon… shouldn’t the live-action one be called “real” instead of the animated one? That was my logic at age five and I’m sticking to it). The movie-to-TV adaptations even continued into later decades, with Buffy the Vampire Slayer and currently Friday Night Lights and Parenthood (which was already a TV show in the ’90s). But this trend hit its peak with ’80s movies, where seemingly every hit film was shortened, given a laugh track (or animated), and filled with less-famous actors in the lead roles. Needless to say, most of them didn’t last too long.

Ferris Bueller’s Day Off

Remember what I said about less famous actors in the lead roles? Just ask Matthew Broderick if he was nervous about Charlie Schlatter nipping at the heels of his fame. I think Broderick slept just fine at night.

Replacement Cast: Jennifer Aniston for Jennifer Grey. Charlie Schlatter for Matthew Broderick. Ami Dolenz for Mia Sara.

Fast Times at Ridgemont High

Returning Cast: Ray Walston as Mr. Hand. Vincent Schiavelli as Mr. Vargas.

Replacement Cast: Courtney Thorne-Smith for Jennifer Jason Leigh. Dean Cameron for Sean Penn. Patrick Dempsey for Robert Romanus. Claudia Wells for Phoebe Cates (Wells knew a thing or two about replacements, having been replaced by Elisabeth Shue in Back to the Future Part II and Part III).

Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure

I assume the weed jokes were removed for the cartoon version. Or not. Kids are stupid, they probably wouldn’t have noticed.

Returning Cast: Keanu Reeves, Alex Winter, and George Carlin all voiced their original characters.


Boner Nostalgia!

June 17, 2010

There were two things every boy wanted in the 1990s that they were too young to have: a Lamborghini and Cindy Crawford. Luckily, mom let us have Pepsi if we were good in church, so at least we got to experience a little bit of this beautiful ’90s trifecta.

Did sexy commercials exist before this? I think this was the sexiest it got. But we can pretty much all agree that we wouldn’t have Audrina Patridge wolfing down a Carl’s Jr. burger on the beach if Cindy Crawford never power-chugged a Pepsi.

Plus that Doris Troy song is pretty sweet.


MTV Movie Awards: An Awkward Mix of Kids and Curse Words

June 7, 2010

The MTV Movie Awards were last night, and The Twilight Saga: New Moon swept the show, winning Best Movie, Best Actress, and Best Other Shit. I haven’t seen the movie, so I can’t really bitch about it winning, but I will bitch about something else. Year after year, the MTV Movie Awards try to remain relevant and edgy. They get a cool comedian to host (this year it was Aziz Ansari), they roll out a couple of “fucks” and show Christina Aguilera’s glow-in-the-dark vagina. And yet based on the movies that have actually been winning over the last few years, it seems like the voters (and viewers) are too young to know what a vagina is, let alone be able to appreciate a glow-in-the-dark one. Let me elaborate…

The Best Movie winners of the last six years were:

2005- Napoleon Dynamite
2006- Wedding Crashers
2007- Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest
2008- Transformers
2009– Twilight
2010- New Moon

Now compare these movies with the Best Movie winners of the award show’s first six years:

1992- Terminator 2: Judgement Day
1993- A Few Good Men
1994- Menace II Society
1995- Pulp Fiction
1996- Seven
1997- Scream

Every single winner from 1992 to 1998 (when Titanic won), was R-rated. They were dark, unique, thought-provoking, and shockingly not even based on theme park rides.

Gritty urban R-rated drama: Best Movie of the year.

Johnny Depp running from sea monkeys: just as good.

Now, I liked Wedding Crashers and thought the first Transformers was very entertaining. I understand that both Twilight and Napoleon Dynamite have loyal followings. But compared to the more adult-oriented films that used to win, it seems that the MTV Movie Awards audience is bleeding over from the Nickelodeon Kids Choice Awards (which, believe it or not, also awarded Best Movie to Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest in 2007.) It just seems an award show that consistently nominates the best lesbian kiss of the year probably shouldn’t also be giving awards to Disney movies.

The actors have followed a similar trend. The “Best Performance” categories have slowly turned into “Most Likely to Be on Your Son or Daughter’s Tiger Beat Magazine Cover”. This year, Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson both won for New Moon. The other nominees included Taylor Lautner, Zac Efron, Amanda Seyfried, Emma Watson, Daniel Radcliffe, and Channing Tatum. Yes, Channing Tatum. Nominated. For acting.

Sarah Michelle Gellar won Best Female Performance for Cruel Intentions in 2000 by playing a coke-addicted teen slut who tries to fuck her own stepbrother; while the last two years have seen Kristen Stewart winning for an abstinence parable written by a Mormon. In 1994, Tom Hanks won Best Male Performance for Philadelphia. Last year the same award went to Zac Efron for High School Musical 3.

Equally moving portrayals of tormented homosexual men.

I understand that most things in the media are directed towards a youthful audience, but MTV needs to stop mixing messages: either pander to the ten-year olds and become another Disney Channel, or go back to showing teenagers what happens when a group of young, ethnic stereotypes give each other herpes at beach houses.

Or another novel idea: play some goddamn music.


Obligatory LOST Post

May 25, 2010

I watched all six seasons and the finale, which leads me to only one question:

What the fuck was that show about?

Here is a slightly maddening video recapping all the questions we’ll never get answers to.


This is a True Story…

May 13, 2010

I have an addiction that I’m not proud of. As hard as I try, I cannot pull myself away from season after season of Real World/Road Rules Challenges. I don’t even watch The Real World anymore, and I’m pretty sure Road Rules hasn’t been on TV since the Clinton administration. So at this point, I don’t even know who most of the Challenge cast members are (unless one of the old farts from the early seasons comes out of retirement… I’m looking at you, Syrus. And even then it’s more embarrassing than entertaining. Are you really still saying “I’m not here to make friends” at forty?). So as much as I love watching this train wreck, it still sometimes keeps me up at night.

Back in 1993 during its second season, this was the “hot girl” in the Real World cast. In recent seasons, we get her, her, and her. I can’t even tell if these are different people or not.

It may be even less “real” for the guys. I went to college, and from my experience, constant binge-drinking and partying did NOT result in my stomach looking like this. Yet somehow, these guys metabolize Jagermeister like it’s a protein shake.

When I first started watching Real World and Road Rules in the mid-’90s (I actually have favorite seasons. God, I’m disgusting), I legit thought of them as documentaries. There is absolutely no mistaking it for a documentary nowadays. Documentary subjects are either animals or they look like this, not this.

Documentary subjects also tend to leave the spotlight once the doc is done. The Challenges, however, seem to be a black lagoon that keeps sucking these people back in. I’m pretty sure they’ve all swapped bodily fluids at this point, and it makes me wonder if a cast member would be ostracized for not dating “one of their own.”

I’ve heard that recent Real World seasons have been a little less vapid lately, but I still haven’t gotten back into it. Yet for some reason I cannot break my habit of the Challenge. It’s a tough thing to admit that you unabashedly love a TV show aimed at 14 year-olds, but that’s why I consider myself so unbelievably brave. I’m like a 9/11 firefighter.

I’m glad to finally get that off my chest, plus the newest episode of the Challenge: Fresh Meat II is on my DVR. So I’m gonna go rip some tequila shots and make out with a stranger. ‘Cause apparently that will do wonders for my abs.


21 Minutes of Awesome

May 7, 2010

Community has done parodies of Goodfellas, The Color of Money, The Breakfast Club, and The Dark Knight. But they pulled out all the stops by spoofing almost every action movie alive with this week’s episode. I know Hot Fuzz already covered that territory, but Hot Fuzz didn’t have Chevy Chase and Ken Jeong. It was also 2 hours long, and this is less than 30 minutes, so shut up. Just tell your boss you’re doing research. You’re researching “things that qualify as bodacious.”