Archive for the ‘People You've Heard Of’ category

Elizabeth Taylor Died

March 23, 2011

Do yourself a favor and watch Cat on a Hot Tin Roof. Marilyn Monroe gets a lot of credit, but I think Liz Taylor is quite possibly the sexiest woman in our planet’s history in that movie. It’s basically about her being horny for an hour and a half and trying to get Paul Newman to bone her (hint: he won’t do it because he likes booze and penis too much).

RIP Liz.

Actresses and Musicians Are Photogenic

January 7, 2011

It’s a new year. And Scarlett Johansson is single. This affects me in no way whatsoever. UNLESS it gives her more time to make another record with Pete Yorn. Because that would make me happy.

I liked their album, but even more, they took some cool photos. And I know that any picture with Scarlett Johansson is going to be nice to look at, but I’m talking photography-wise. I can’t take pictures for shit, but I’m pretty sure these are some nice boobs aesthetics.

And my favorite…

And on that note, another great actress-teaming-up-with-an-indie-rocker act, She & Him (featuring Zooey Deschanel and M. Ward), aren’t too shabby in the photography department either. I’m sensing a trend.

Attractive people are the best people.

Action Movie Daughters Always Get Hot

November 9, 2010

Every movie genre follows certain clichés and formulas, but one of my favorites is the action movie daughter (wow that makes me sound creepy). But I think you know what I mean. Our lead character is a macho cop/mercenary/soldier/sheriff/spy who happens to have an adorable daughter who proves to be convenient hostage-bait around the 75-minute mark. But moving beyond that cliché, I noticed that many of the girls who played these daughters went on to illustrious careers as actresses and Maxim magazine centerfolds. Some of these examples are from the most beloved action films of the ’80s and ’90s, while others are a bit more obscure.

Let’s see what became of our heroes’ female offspring…

Commando – Jenny, the daughter of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s character…

…was played by Alyssa Milano. Who turned into this…

Under Siege 2 – Sarah, the daughter of Steven Seagal’s character…

Was played by Katherine Heigl:

Airspeed – Nicole, the daughter of Joe Mantegna’s character…

Was played by Elisha Cuthbert, who turned into this…

The Last Boy Scout – Darian, the daughter of Bruce Willis’s character…

(more…)

‘Appy Birfday, Angela Lansbury!

October 16, 2010

Angela Lansbury turns 85 today, and I gotta say I’m a fan. This lady used to play some bad bitches back in the day. Just look at her scowl:

Luckily for us, she ventured from mean-girl roles to kind-grandmother roles, occasionally stretching to play a talking teapot. She was in Bedknobs and Broomsticks, which is my favorite Disney movie that has Nazis in it. And of course, she quickly became the female version of Matlock on Murder She Wrote.

Plus she dressed up like this once:

Thank you, Angela. That’s weird and adorable in all the right ways.

Today’s Pop Stars Are Robots

September 30, 2010

When I saw Katy Perry perform “California Gurls” (seriously, do we need stupid misspellings like that in song titles?) on Saturday Night Live, I remember thinking A) that’s weird, I didn’t know my ears could commit suicide and B) this song sounds a lot like Miley Cyrus’s “Party in the USA.”

Then I stumbled upon this little video, which plays “California Gurls” at the same time as Ke$ha’s (again with the stupid misspellings) “Tik Tok” and Miley’s “Permanent December.”

Turns out they are exactly the same song. I understand that pop songs follow a specific format and formula, so I don’t fault them for that. But even each Auto-Tuned voice sounds exactly the same. If Christina Aguilera puts out a generic pop song, at least it has her distinct voice on it. Katy Perry already stole her face from Zooey Deschanel. The least she could do is have an original voice.

Happy Quirky Birthday, Shelley Duvall!

July 7, 2010

One of my favorite actresses turns 61 today, so I wanted to give her a shout-out since she’s super underrated. Shelley Duvall was a staple in some of the best and oddest movies of the ’70s and ’80s and has unfortunately fallen off the radar since.

You might recognize her from playing a quirky groupie, a quirky terrified wife, a quirky Woody Allen-fucker, and a quirky best friend to a Jew.

But she was also in the coolest, weirdest quirky movie ever, Brewster McCloud, and this photo is awesome in so many ways. (Shelley Duvall. Bud Cort. Horizontal Stripes.)

Shelley Duvall was so prominent in my childhood, she might as well have raised me (no offense, mom). Not only did she chill with Muppets and play Olive Oyl in Popeye, but she was in more obscure movies that I was addicted to as a kid, like Tim Burton’s Frankenweenie and Frog. She also produced and starred in a couple of mindfucks known as Faerie Tale Theatre and Mother Goose Rock N Rhyme. In Theatre, she was most memorable in the creepiest Rumpelstiltskin incarnation ever. And Rock N Rhyme showed a postmodern rhyme land where Mary and her Lamb were an abusive trailer-trash couple played by Cyndi Lauper and Woody Harrelson (hell yeah, video evidence).

Duvall’s voice was quirky enough that Paul Thomas Anderson (probably my favorite director) put her song “He Needs Me” in his movie Punch-Drunk Love (the song was written by Harry Nilsson, one of my favorite singers. Is this the six-degrees-of-shit-I-love game?).

And if that wasn’t enough, this Youtube clip, from one of her last movies before she retired from acting, features not only her, but Juliette Lewis (my favorite crazy bitch actress) and Artie Lang (my favorite crazy asshole drug-addict comedian now that Chris Farley’s dead). I don’t need religion when I have discoveries like this:

Does anyone else love this chick as much as I do? Wes Anderson needs to call her up, ’cause I’m rooting for a comeback.

People Cooler Than Me: Steve McQueen

June 28, 2010

I recently went on a Steve McQueen movie kick when I noticed a few of his films had built up in my DVR. I started with The Blob, where McQueen plays the world’s oldest teenager. After that was The Magnificent Seven, The Great Escape, and then Bullitt, the quintessential Steve McQueen movie. I came to the (obvious) conclusion that Steve McQueen is way cooler than me. After a little bit of research (cough, wikipedia), I found even more reasons:

Steve McQueen has a badass mugshot: cool

I have eight years worth of yearbook photos where I look like Cartman from South Park: not cool

Steve McQueen was the highest-paid movie star of 1974: cool

I found a quarter on the sidewalk yesterday and got really excited: not cool

Steve McQueen dated Natalie Wood, Faye Dunaway, Raquel Welch, Jacqueline Bisset, Ava Gardner (but who hasn’t?)*, and Mamie Van Doren: cool

*I keep my celebrity slut references timely

I offered to buy a homeless lady dinner once and she looked me up and down and said no: not cool

Steve McQueen turned down the lead role in Close Encounters of the Third Kind because the character cries (take that, Chuck Norris): cool.

I cried during Patch Adams: not cool

Steve McQueen was in a street gang as a kid: cool

I took piano lessons: not cool

Steve McQueen let photographers into his house to take candid photos like these: cool

I have to untag candid photos of myself on facebook because they usually show me with puke on my chin: not cool

Steve McQueen thought up a movie plot in the early ’70s where he’d play a kickass bodyguard to a sexy singer played by Diana Ross: cool

Kevin Costner and Whitney Houston made that movie instead: not cool

Steve McQueen’s nickname is “The King Of Cool”: cool

My nickname is “Butt-Freckles”: not cool

Now don’t think of this post as a pity party for me. I am well aware Steve McQueen is cooler than I. And I’m totally fine with that.

BUT

Steve McQueen was a lifelong, diehard Republican who refused to denounce the Vietnam War. He also declined to participate in the Civil Rights march.

I wasn’t even alive during the Vietnam War. But after I saw Platoon I was like, “Damn, that shit was whack.” And I think black people are awesome. I borrow slang words from them all the time.