I recently went on a Steve McQueen movie kick when I noticed a few of his films had built up in my DVR. I started with The Blob, where McQueen plays the world’s oldest teenager. After that was The Magnificent Seven, The Great Escape, and then Bullitt, the quintessential Steve McQueen movie. I came to the (obvious) conclusion that Steve McQueen is way cooler than me. After a little bit of research (cough, wikipedia), I found even more reasons:
Steve McQueen has a badass mugshot: cool
I have eight years worth of yearbook photos where I look like Cartman from South Park: not cool
Steve McQueen was the highest-paid movie star of 1974: cool
I found a quarter on the sidewalk yesterday and got really excited: not cool
Steve McQueen dated Natalie Wood, Faye Dunaway, Raquel Welch, Jacqueline Bisset, Ava Gardner (but who hasn’t?)*, and Mamie Van Doren: cool
*I keep my celebrity slut references timely
I offered to buy a homeless lady dinner once and she looked me up and down and said no: not cool
Steve McQueen turned down the lead role in Close Encounters of the Third Kind because the character cries (take that, Chuck Norris): cool.
I cried during Patch Adams: not cool
Steve McQueen was in a street gang as a kid: cool
I took piano lessons: not cool
Steve McQueen let photographers into his house to take candid photos like these: cool
I have to untag candid photos of myself on facebook because they usually show me with puke on my chin: not cool
Steve McQueen thought up a movie plot in the early ’70s where he’d play a kickass bodyguard to a sexy singer played by Diana Ross: cool
Kevin Costner and Whitney Houston made that movie instead: not cool
Steve McQueen’s nickname is “The King Of Cool”: cool
My nickname is “Butt-Freckles”: not cool
Now don’t think of this post as a pity party for me. I am well aware Steve McQueen is cooler than I. And I’m totally fine with that.
Steve McQueen was a lifelong, diehard Republican who refused to denounce the Vietnam War. He also declined to participate in the Civil Rights march.
I wasn’t even alive during the Vietnam War. But after I saw Platoon I was like, “Damn, that shit was whack.” And I think black people are awesome. I borrow slang words from them all the time.