Archive for October 2010

Video of the Day: Fluorescent Pink Jailbait Edition

October 27, 2010

I’m gonna talk you through this one…

0:18 – That’s Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas. Apparently she used to be white.

0:39 – Whoa, that little shrimpy girl on the right is dancing a little too sexy for a nine year-old.

0:51 – Ah! Little sexy midget girl is Jennifer Love Hewitt!

0:58 – Tonya Harding?

1:09 – KEYTAR!

1:35 – Those guys got beat up in high school. A lot. Odds are at least one of them is a woman now.

You’re welcome.

‘Appy Birfday, Angela Lansbury!

October 16, 2010

Angela Lansbury turns 85 today, and I gotta say I’m a fan. This lady used to play some bad bitches back in the day. Just look at her scowl:

Luckily for us, she ventured from mean-girl roles to kind-grandmother roles, occasionally stretching to play a talking teapot. She was in Bedknobs and Broomsticks, which is my favorite Disney movie that has Nazis in it. And of course, she quickly became the female version of Matlock on Murder She Wrote.

Plus she dressed up like this once:

Thank you, Angela. That’s weird and adorable in all the right ways.

Movie Night Meal: Cat’s Eye

October 15, 2010

Stephen King movies are generally hit-or-miss. And it seems that the more personal input King has in the movies, the worse they are (just compare Stanley Kubrick’s version of The Shining with the TV miniseries version that King wrote the script for). Cat’s Eye (1985, directed by Lewis Teague) has a screenplay by Stephen King and is actually three short films in one. The chapters are connected by a cat that wanders from story to story, as well as Drew Barrymore playing a different character in each section. Since the main focus is a cat, we made a bunch of smelly ol’ seafood.

Menu:

Albacore-Stuffed Tomatoes
Salmon Cakes*
Tuna Noodle Casserole
Crispy-Skinned Salmon Filets
Goldfish Crackers
Swedish Fish (for dessert)
*recipe below

The first short film, “Quitter’s Inc.” stars James Woods as a man trying to quit smoking. The self-help guru he hires uses an interesting form of persuasion: threatening to electrocute Woods’s wife and rape his retarded daughter (Barrymore) if he is caught having another cigarette. The second story, “The Ledge” is about a gambler who bets his wife’s lover (Robert Hays) that he can’t walk around the ledge of a skyscraper. Yeah, that’s about it. The third section, “The General,” is the most memorable for all of us who saw this movie as children on daytime TV; about a troll living inside the walls of a little girl’s bedroom. At night, the troll breaks through the wall to suck the breath from the girl (Barrymore) while she sleeps.

Some thoughts:

-Drew Barrymore was in her awkward Cindy Brady stage at this point in her career. The question is, how adorably coked-up was she during filming?

-If we’re ranking the stories, “The General” is the best, then “Quitter’s Inc.” with “The Ledge” way back in last place. After the first “whoa whoa whoa I’m about to fall!” scare, that’s all the story really is, over and over. But at least the pilot from Airplane! got a gig out of it.

-“The Ledge” also really shoehorns in a Barrymore appearance. She’s a hallucination that the cat sees in a TV screen. A hallucinating cat? Who was more fucked up during this thing, the cat or Drew?

-I think Barrymore was trying to win an Oscar by playing the retarded daughter in “Quitters Inc.” Unfortunately she was a little too Other Sister and not enough Rain Man.

-I liked how “The General” was a take on the old wives tale that cats suck the breath of babies while they are sleeping. Housewives in the ’50s needed an excuse for why their babies were dying of SIDS. I’m sure the fact that they were swigging martinis and sucking down Virginia Slims during the pregnancies had nothing to do with it.

-Some cameos from Stephen King characters, like Cujo and Christine.

-’80s movies had a lot of cunty mothers, and “The General” is no different. Candy Clark plays Barrymore’s mom who wants to murder the girl’s new pet cat. She sucks hardcore.

-I made it through this entire review without any pussy puns. Who’s proud of me?

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