Movie Night Meal: Troll 2

What more can be said about Troll 2? It’s already known as the worst movie of all time. There’s an entire documentary dedicated to how bad it is. But we did our best to find new ways to make fun of it at our most recent movie night. Following in the footsteps of Willow and Leprechaun, this is another movie heavily featuring midgets. And since Troll 2 is such a mishmash of garbage, we paired it with a menu of “clean out your fridge” potluck dishes. And lots and lots of booze, of course.

Troll 2 (1990, directed by Claudio Fragasso) is not actually a sequel to Troll. But the distributer realized it was shit, so they thought pretending it was a sequel might drum up some more box office. The plot is about the Waits family who go spend the summer in the small town that happens to be overrun by trolls goblins. (The town is called “Nilbog.” Shoutout to all my dyslexics! Woop woop!).

Our assorted and random menu items included:

Cheesy Breadsticks (because the movie is cheesy, amirite?)
Black Bean and Corn Salad (because the movie is corny! High five!)
French Fries (because the movie is bad for your health! Zing!)
Peanut Butter Cream Pie (because the movie is nutty!! ROTFLMAOJO)
Chips and Salsa (because this movie is… Mexican?)

Yes, the movie was bad. Yes, the acting was awful. Yes, the goblin costumes were hilariously cheap. I haven’t seen Best Worst Movie yet, and I didn’t see Troll 2 in a theater filled with its Rocky Horror-style fanbase, so I have no clue if the things we made fun of are the easy targets that have been said before. But let’s be honest, this entire movie is an easy target.

I’ll start with the actors. And as much as I blame them for being awful, apparently the director demanded they recite their lines word-for-word from the script. And by the way, the director didn’t speak English. The kid who played young Joshua grew up to direct the documentary Best Worst Movie, but none of them really went on to a long film career by any means. Even in 1990, the cast was less a who’s-who and more of a who-the-fuck?

Dad is a poor man’s Ed Begley Jr.

Mom is a poor man’s mom from Six Feet Under.

Son is a poor man’s Sean Astin.

Daughter is a poor man’s daughter from ALF. And that girl’s already a poor man’s Tracey Gold.

Grandpa is a poor man’s Orson Welles (the fat/drunk version).

You can really catch the “good” parts of the movie on YouTube instead of sitting through the excruciatingly long feature film (it’s only 95 minutes but feels so so so much longer).

Here are some of the best most memorable bits:

-The most famous clip from the movie is when Billy the Blue Power Ranger realizes he’s about to die. To be honest, he doesn’t seem believably concerned.

-The makeup department definitely only had one synthetic scab for every “infected” character to share. As if being in Troll 2 isn’t bad enough, imagine being forced to share scabs.

-Holly’s dance scene is as embarrassing as any retarded girl with a webcam and a YouTube account. I also like how it begins with the old “I have glasses!” routine. And you gotta love the oversized-Garfield-T-shirt-nightgown.

-It says something about the makeup department when the Troll makeup is better than one of the human’s makeup. Check out the freckles they drew on this actress. That’s not supposed to be a joke.

-I’ve never met someone who had a lobotomy. But I’d put my money that Margo Prey (who played the mom) is one of those people.

-And this woman deserves the death penalty for her performance. Seriously, it’s not even so bad it’s good. It’s so bad you want her dead. I was getting mad at her on a personal level.

-I’ll leave you with the greatest line from the movie. When Holly’s boyfriend sneaks into her room at night, she responds with:

“If my father discovers you here he’d cut off your little nuts and eat them. He can’t stand you!”

It seems counterproductive to eat the little nuts of someone you can’t stand. Cutting them off I understand. That’s a punishment for the victim. But I assume you’d only eat them if you had some deep connection to the victim and wanted them to “be a part of you.” Or maybe dad just likes the taste of balls.

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