Archive for June 2010

People Cooler Than Me: Steve McQueen

June 28, 2010

I recently went on a Steve McQueen movie kick when I noticed a few of his films had built up in my DVR. I started with The Blob, where McQueen plays the world’s oldest teenager. After that was The Magnificent Seven, The Great Escape, and then Bullitt, the quintessential Steve McQueen movie. I came to the (obvious) conclusion that Steve McQueen is way cooler than me. After a little bit of research (cough, wikipedia), I found even more reasons:

Steve McQueen has a badass mugshot: cool

I have eight years worth of yearbook photos where I look like Cartman from South Park: not cool

Steve McQueen was the highest-paid movie star of 1974: cool

I found a quarter on the sidewalk yesterday and got really excited: not cool

Steve McQueen dated Natalie Wood, Faye Dunaway, Raquel Welch, Jacqueline Bisset, Ava Gardner (but who hasn’t?)*, and Mamie Van Doren: cool

*I keep my celebrity slut references timely

I offered to buy a homeless lady dinner once and she looked me up and down and said no: not cool

Steve McQueen turned down the lead role in Close Encounters of the Third Kind because the character cries (take that, Chuck Norris): cool.

I cried during Patch Adams: not cool

Steve McQueen was in a street gang as a kid: cool

I took piano lessons: not cool

Steve McQueen let photographers into his house to take candid photos like these: cool

I have to untag candid photos of myself on facebook because they usually show me with puke on my chin: not cool

Steve McQueen thought up a movie plot in the early ’70s where he’d play a kickass bodyguard to a sexy singer played by Diana Ross: cool

Kevin Costner and Whitney Houston made that movie instead: not cool

Steve McQueen’s nickname is “The King Of Cool”: cool

My nickname is “Butt-Freckles”: not cool

Now don’t think of this post as a pity party for me. I am well aware Steve McQueen is cooler than I. And I’m totally fine with that.


Steve McQueen was a lifelong, diehard Republican who refused to denounce the Vietnam War. He also declined to participate in the Civil Rights march.

I wasn’t even alive during the Vietnam War. But after I saw Platoon I was like, “Damn, that shit was whack.” And I think black people are awesome. I borrow slang words from them all the time.


Don’t Fail Me Now, America

June 23, 2010

I was driving today and saw this little number at a bus stop:

If this movie goes to #1 at the box office, I totally wouldn’t blame Al-Qaeda if they attacked us again.

Boner Nostalgia!

June 17, 2010

There were two things every boy wanted in the 1990s that they were too young to have: a Lamborghini and Cindy Crawford. Luckily, mom let us have Pepsi if we were good in church, so at least we got to experience a little bit of this beautiful ’90s trifecta.

Did sexy commercials exist before this? I think this was the sexiest it got. But we can pretty much all agree that we wouldn’t have Audrina Patridge wolfing down a Carl’s Jr. burger on the beach if Cindy Crawford never power-chugged a Pepsi.

Plus that Doris Troy song is pretty sweet.


Stuff Someone Else Said

June 14, 2010

“[Mary J.] Blige’s greatest contribution to our culture lies in the seismic change in dance-floor politics she instigated. Before ‘Family Affair,’ there was a widespread consensus that the club was the perfect place for hateration and holleration. Then Blige revolutionarily declared that there was no need for either in this dancery. Hateration and holleration fell out of fashion overnight, while incidences of partiers getting crunk because Mary’s back increased sevenfold.”

-Nathan Rabin, AV Club


Song of the Day: Screechy Hippie Edition

June 9, 2010

I’ve had this in my head all day. And now you will too.

“Brand New Key” by Melanie:


MTV Movie Awards: An Awkward Mix of Kids and Curse Words

June 7, 2010

The MTV Movie Awards were last night, and The Twilight Saga: New Moon swept the show, winning Best Movie, Best Actress, and Best Other Shit. I haven’t seen the movie, so I can’t really bitch about it winning, but I will bitch about something else. Year after year, the MTV Movie Awards try to remain relevant and edgy. They get a cool comedian to host (this year it was Aziz Ansari), they roll out a couple of “fucks” and show Christina Aguilera’s glow-in-the-dark vagina. And yet based on the movies that have actually been winning over the last few years, it seems like the voters (and viewers) are too young to know what a vagina is, let alone be able to appreciate a glow-in-the-dark one. Let me elaborate…

The Best Movie winners of the last six years were:

2005- Napoleon Dynamite
2006- Wedding Crashers
2007- Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest
2008- Transformers
2009– Twilight
2010- New Moon

Now compare these movies with the Best Movie winners of the award show’s first six years:

1992- Terminator 2: Judgement Day
1993- A Few Good Men
1994- Menace II Society
1995- Pulp Fiction
1996- Seven
1997- Scream

Every single winner from 1992 to 1998 (when Titanic won), was R-rated. They were dark, unique, thought-provoking, and shockingly not even based on theme park rides.

Gritty urban R-rated drama: Best Movie of the year.

Johnny Depp running from sea monkeys: just as good.

Now, I liked Wedding Crashers and thought the first Transformers was very entertaining. I understand that both Twilight and Napoleon Dynamite have loyal followings. But compared to the more adult-oriented films that used to win, it seems that the MTV Movie Awards audience is bleeding over from the Nickelodeon Kids Choice Awards (which, believe it or not, also awarded Best Movie to Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest in 2007.) It just seems an award show that consistently nominates the best lesbian kiss of the year probably shouldn’t also be giving awards to Disney movies.

The actors have followed a similar trend. The “Best Performance” categories have slowly turned into “Most Likely to Be on Your Son or Daughter’s Tiger Beat Magazine Cover”. This year, Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson both won for New Moon. The other nominees included Taylor Lautner, Zac Efron, Amanda Seyfried, Emma Watson, Daniel Radcliffe, and Channing Tatum. Yes, Channing Tatum. Nominated. For acting.

Sarah Michelle Gellar won Best Female Performance for Cruel Intentions in 2000 by playing a coke-addicted teen slut who tries to fuck her own stepbrother; while the last two years have seen Kristen Stewart winning for an abstinence parable written by a Mormon. In 1994, Tom Hanks won Best Male Performance for Philadelphia. Last year the same award went to Zac Efron for High School Musical 3.

Equally moving portrayals of tormented homosexual men.

I understand that most things in the media are directed towards a youthful audience, but MTV needs to stop mixing messages: either pander to the ten-year olds and become another Disney Channel, or go back to showing teenagers what happens when a group of young, ethnic stereotypes give each other herpes at beach houses.

Or another novel idea: play some goddamn music.


Stuff Someone Else Said

June 1, 2010

“I know a lot of people really liked [Tom Cruise’s] cameo in Tropic Thunder. But with all due respect, you people need to take the Retard Bus back to Two and a Half Men Town and stop pretending your opinion is valid.”

-Vince Mancini, Filmdrunk