Archive for April 2010

Stuff Someone Else Said

April 23, 2010

“On a side note, I just saw a bum run up to the side of a parked bus and punch it, and then start crying.”

-Andrea Racey, sightseeing in Los Angeles

Movie Night Meal: Big Trouble in Little China

April 21, 2010

We decided to go the ethnic route for this week’s movie night. No, we didn’t watch a foreign film (subtitles and drunks don’t really mesh). Instead, for Big Trouble in Little China (1986, directed by John Carpenter), we paired it with Chinese takeout. This movie was obviously supposed to be an Indiana Jones-type franchise character for Kurt Russell. He plays Jack Burton (the name of every 1980’s action hero), a truck driver who goes to the airport to pick up his buddy’s green-eyed fiancee from China. When the fiancee is kidnapped (and Kurt’s truck is stolen) by magical Chinese warriors, Kurt, Kim Cattrall, and a whole slew of friends go underground in Chinatown to help save the girl. While watching the movie, we partook in some cultural delicacies like:

Chow Mein
Lo Mein
Broccoli Beef
Honey Glazed Pork
Orange Chicken
Vegetable Fried Rice
Vegetable Wontons
Fortune Cookies

Topics of discussion:

-What is with Kurt Russell’s John Wayne impression? Was he doing it as a joke? I mean, he’s a good actor. Why did he decide not to be in this movie?

-In case you forget at any point that Kurt Russell plays a trucker… he wears an actual trucker hat. And not in an ironic, Ashton Kutcher-sorta way.

-Kim Catrall plays an even more annoying version of Lois Lane. Her first line in the movie is literally: “You know me. I stick my nose where it doesn’t belong.”

-There’s nothing worse than a movie that sets itself up for a sequel even though it’s far too bad to deserve one. We weren’t sure what the sequel was going to be. Big Trouble in Little Italy? “Ay! Why-a you-a gotta kid-a napp-a de ladies?”

-This movie has a severe case of too-many-characters-syndrome. For some reason there are three- count ’em, three!-damsel in distress characters: the green-eyed Asian chick, Kim Cattrall, and Kim Cattrall’s uglier friend. Kurt really only needs one sidekick, but he has a whole gang getting down on the “big trouble”, and the villain has so many henchmen it’s impossible to tell them apart (and not just because they’re Asian).

-I’m curious if this movie stirred up trouble with any Asian anti-defamation league. Because it’s certainly no Joy Luck Club when it comes to honest portrayals of Chinese people. I have to say, a little part of me dies every time I see an Asian person ordering a Chinese Chicken Salad (putting mandarin oranges on something doesn’t automatically make it Chinese. I’m more Chinese than a Chinese Chicken Salad and I’m Irish). Seeing James Hong, an actual Chinese-American actor, do an overly stereotypical Chinese accent as the villain was even more embarrassing than the salad dilemma.

-Let’s get to the real highlight of my movie night. For the first time in my life, I fulfilled a movie-inspired dream. You’ve seen it before, a million times, on TV and in movies, in Friends, Seinfeld, Woody Allen movies, and romantic comedies. A character (or characters), staying in for the night, eat Chinese food from white cardboard containers with chopsticks. They usually sit on the floor and share noodles (double-dipping chopsticks and everything). But nobody does this in real life. Every time I order Chinese food it comes in styrofoam or plastic. They always give me a fork, and I am rarely sitting on the floor or in bed while I’m eating it. I am surely not the only one who notices that this only happens in movies (there’s even an entire online forum about it: http://chowhound.chow.com/topics/328531).

So once I saw that the Lo Mein came in a white cardboard box, I snatched that bitch up, plopped on the ground and went to town with some chopsticks.

I have officially gone Hollywood, and it tastes like delicious, delicious MSG.

In honor of James Franco’s Birthday…

April 19, 2010

It might not be as catchy as “Jizz in my Pants” and “Shy Ronnie”, but this might be my favorite SNL Digital Short:

It basically sums up my childhood.

If “Peanuts” Were in School Today

April 15, 2010

The social worker at that elementary would be BUSY.
(click to enlarge)

Why did no one ever call Child Protective Services on Pigpen’s parents? And does Jenny McCarthy blame Linus’s vaccinations? And Lucy? What a cunt.

Stuff Someone Else Said

April 12, 2010

“I know we shouldn’t judge people based on their appearance, but when your body looks like a dirtbag’s binder from 7th grade metal shop, it doesn’t bode well for your character.”

-Tina Fey on Bombshell McGee

When TV Characters Pretend to be Singers

April 11, 2010

There was some weird phenomenon in the ’90s (aside from frosted tips) that I would never admit to actually loving. For some reason, almost every character on TV sitcoms decide to start a singing career for about two episodes. More often than not, the brief musical stint is never mentioned again.

Maybe it started with The Bradys, who tackled both the “character goes through puberty” episode and the “characters form a band” episode in one fell swoop:

The most obvious example of this trend was on Saved by the Bell. The gang started the band Zack Attack and had the mind-blowingly amazing hit* single, “Friends Forever.”

*The word “hit” is up for interpretation

But this wasn’t even Saved by the Bell‘s first foray into a music career. The most infamous musical moment was Hot Sundae, Jessie Spano’s girl group in the episode “Jessie’s Song.” The band was basically as influential as The Supremes, but even better ’cause they had spandex and BANGS (it’s really impossible to describe Kelly Kapowski’s bangs in lower-case letters).

This episode was basically a miniature version of Walk the Line or Ray, because once Jessie finds success in music, she obviously turns to drugs. This is a hard clip to watch. Right up there with the grittiest Intervention episodes. Be forewarned.

I think Joey Lawrence (or as I like to call him, Whoa-ey Lawrence) played himself on Blossom (right?), so when he decided he wanted to try out Gerardo‘s career, so did his character on the show.

After seeing him shirtless, in black leather, doing ballet twirls… the Philadelphia Eagles jersey just looks insincere.

On The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, Tatyana Ali’s character has a skyrocketing music career for a few episodes. I think it just gave the producers a reason to finally show how much her chest character has really grown.

Even back in 1994, Jared Leto was trying to get everyone to focus on his music career. So naturally, his character on My So-Called Life would burst into song (in a non-Glee sort of way) whenever he had the chance.

Stephanie Tanner dabbled in the music biz on Full House, covering the legendary Ace of Base, with disastrous(!) results.

The name of her band was Girl Talk, which is now the name of some hipster mash-up musician. I’m sure he didn’t name himself after the Full House band. That would be way too ironic. And hipsters tend to stray from irony.

Let me know if I’m forgetting any big ones. Maybe Mike Seaver dabbled in a rap career, or Donna Martin got heavy into the grunge scene. Too bad Neil Patrick Harris wasn’t all singy-dancy until after Doogie Howser, MD. Right?


Damnit.

This Just Made My Day

April 7, 2010

Thing it, Thally Draper!