Do yourself a favor and watch Cat on a Hot Tin Roof. Marilyn Monroe gets a lot of credit, but I think Liz Taylor is quite possibly the sexiest woman in our planet’s history in that movie. It’s basically about her being horny for an hour and a half and trying to get Paul Newman to bone her (hint: he won’t do it because he likes booze and penis too much).

RIP Liz.

I liked their album, but even more, they took some cool photos. And I know that any picture with Scarlett Johansson is going to be nice to look at, but I’m talking photography-wise. I can’t take pictures for shit, but I’m pretty sure these are some nice boobs aesthetics.

And my favorite…

And on that note, another great actress-teaming-up-with-an-indie-rocker act, She & Him (featuring Zooey Deschanel and M. Ward), aren’t too shabby in the photography department either. I’m sensing a trend.

Attractive people are the best people.

HAVE YOURSELF A MERRY LITTLE CHRISTMAS (written by Hugh Martin & Ralph Blane, 1944. Performers include Judy Garland, Frank Sinatra, and James Taylor)

The original lyrics were written with the opening lines, “Have yourself a merry little Christmas/ It may be your last.” Since that sounds like a violent threat, Meet Me in St. Louis star Judy Garland nixed the lyrics from the soundtrack for being too depressing (the girl had instinct, despite a crippling drug problem). So the writers brightened up the song a bit for her, although it’s still anything but a happy tune – the fact that Judy’s young co-star is sobbing throughout the scene where the song is sung won’t exactly warm your heart. And the final verse (“Someday soon we all will be together/ If the fates allow/ Until then we’ll have to muddle through somehow”) sums up the song’s harsh message – Let’s enjoy this fleeting holiday while we can, because life is going to start sucking again real soon.

SANTA BABY (written by Joan Javits & Philip Springer, 1953. Performers include Eartha Kitt, Madonna, and Kellie Pickler)

First of all, this is about the sluttiest Christmas song in existence. It’s about a woman flirting with Santa Claus so he’ll give her money and fancy gifts (whether said woman is a stripper is up for interpretation). A young attractive woman trying to sleep with a disgusting old man for money? Sounds like it could have been written by Anna Nicole Smith circa 1994. Madonna’s 1987 version is particularly disturbing, from her Betty Boop-inspired vocalization to hearing her not-so-subtly ask Santa to “come and trim my Christmas tree.” I know that quote is taken out of context, but it just seems so obvious that Madonna is talking about her vagina.

I SAW MOMMY KISSING SANTA CLAUS (written by Tommie Connor, 1952. Performers include The Jackson 5, John Mellencamp, and Amy Winehouse)

The premise is that a boy comes downstairs on Christmas Eve to see Santa, but instead finds his mother tongue-kissing the man in red under the mistletoe. And we are led to believe that Santa is actually the boy’s father dressed up in a costume, so it’s all a jolly misunderstanding when the boy goes back to bed under the impression that his mother is a whore. But nowhere in the song does it explicitly say that “Santa” is actually the narrator’s father. It could be anyone, really. A neighbor with a fetish for red satin. An elderly Salvation Army volunteer. Or the real Saint Nicholas (he is real, right?). And so what if it was the boy’s father? Walking in on your parents having sex is an awful enough memory, but seeing them role-playing on your favorite holiday is something that could ruin your Christmas memories forever.

DO THEY KNOW IT’S CHRISTMAS? (written by Bob Geldof & Midge Urie, 1984. Performed by Band Aid, Band Aid II, and Band Aid 20)

Band Aid was put together by musician Bob Geldof as a charity group to raise money for African hunger relief. This depressing little holiday ditty became the anthem for the group, which originally included Bono, Sting, and George Michael. In 1989 Geldof recorded the song again, with Kylie Minogue, Bananarama, and Lisa Stansfield in the new group, Band Aid II. And again in 2004, Band Aid 20 (including Chris Martin, Robbie Williams, and Joss Stone) made the song a hit.

And what’s not to love? Oh right, the fact that the song contains some of the most depressing lyrics in any song, let alone a Christmas song. Band Aid was here to let us know that people were starving to death in Africa, and because we are all enjoying Christmas goose and figgy pudding, we are all to blame. Because Sting and Simon LeBon let us know that in Africa, “the only water flowing is the bitter sting of tears.” Thanks, boys. Merry Christmas to you too.

But wait! There’s more! Good ol’ Bono lays the guilt trip on even thicker when he tells all the whities that, “tonight thank God it’s them instead of you.” Yes, Bono. Exactly what I was thinking. My making snow angels and sipping cocoa must mean that I’m thankful all the Africans are dying. “Do They Know It’s Christmas?” is the musical equivalent to those sad puppy commercials with Sarah McLaughlin. There’s nothing holly (nor jolly) about it.

I’LL BE HOME FOR CHRISTMAS (written by Buck Ram, Kim Gannon & Walter Kent, 1943. Performers include Bing Crosby, The Carpenters, and Gloria Estefan).

Like starvation in Africa, this song is rooted in real life misery. Written during World War II (side note, is it just me or is co-writer Buck Ram way too aptly named to not be a porn star?), this song was about a soldier’s hope that the war will end soon enough for him to be home in time for the holidays. Okay, fair enough. Wanting to be with your loved ones is what the holiday is about. It’s hopeful, it’s touching, it’s almost a happy song. But if that was the case, I wouldn’t be talking about it. No, the hope comes crashing down with the last line, “I’ll be home for Christmas/ If only in my dreams.” So after building up all that hope, he knows he won’t make it home for Christmas. Spoiler alert?

PLEASE COME HOME FOR CHRISTMAS (written by Charles Brown & Gene Redd, 1960. Performers include The Eagles, Jon Bon Jovi, and Aaron Neville)

Much like “I’ll Be Home For Christmas,” this song is a depressing realization of spending Christmas alone. This song makes you understand why Christmas is often cited as the time of year where depression and suicides rates go up. When the singer pleads “my baby’s gone/ I have no friends” it hardly fills you with holiday cheer. Even the addition of Cindy Crawford in the video (Santa boner!) doesn’t make the song any less depressing.

SANTA CLAUS IS COMING TO TOWN (written by J. Fred Coots & Haven Gillespie, 1934. Performers include The Crystals, Bruce Springsteen, and Mariah Carey)

These five words are utterly terrifying enough to land this song on the list:

“He sees you when you’re sleeping”

… shiver…

BABY, IT’S COLD OUTSIDE (written by Frank Loesser, 1944. Performers include Rod Stewart & Dolly Parton, Willie Nelson & Nora Jones, and Nick Lachey & Jessica Simpson)

This famous winter duet is what I like to refer to as “an ode to date rape.” The premise? A woman is at a man’s home. She wants to leave. He wants to have sex. He uses the weather as an excuse to force himself upon her. Don’t believe me? Let’s take a look at some of the “he said, she said” lyrics:

Woman: Really I’d better scurry.

Man: Baby, it’s bad out there.

Woman: Say, what’s in this drink?

Man: Mind if I move a little closer?

Woman: The answer is no.

Man: Baby don’t hold out.

First, her eggnog has obviously been roofied. And most importantly, I think the phrase “THE ANSWER IS NO” should have been his first clue to back off. But what do I know? Apparently she was just playing hard to get.

Guess no doesn’t mean no after all. At least, not at Christmas.

Article originally published at ezinearticles.com

Let’s see what became of our heroes’ female offspring…

Commando – Jenny, the daughter of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s character…

…was played by Alyssa Milano. Who turned into this…

Under Siege 2 - Sarah, the daughter of Steven Seagal’s character…

Was played by Katherine Heigl:

Airspeed – Nicole, the daughter of Joe Mantegna’s character…

Was played by Elisha Cuthbert, who turned into this…

The Last Boy Scout – Darian, the daughter of Bruce Willis’s character…

Was played by Danielle Harris (who also played Steven Seagal’s daughter in Marked For Death), and looks like this:

Patriot Games – Sally, the daughter of Harrison Ford’s character…

Was played by Thora Birch, who turned into…

True Lies - Dana, the daughter of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s character…

Was played by Eliza Dushku…

Independence Day - Patricia, the daughter of Bill Pullman’s President…

Was played by Mae Whitman, who grew up to look like…

Face/Off – Jamie, the daughter of John Travolta’s character…

Was played by Dominique Swain, who became…

Panic Room - Sarah, the daughter of Jodie Foster’s character…

Was played by Kristen Stewart, who turned into…

The Patriot – Holly, the daughter of Steven Seagal’s character…

Was played by Camilla Belle, who grew up to be…

Just Cause – Katie, the daughter of Sean Connery’s character…

Was played by the one and only Scarlett Johansson. We thankfully all know what she looks like now:

Cape Fear - Danielle, the daughter of Nick Nolte’s character…

Was played by my future wife, Juliette Lewis:

Heat – Lauren, the daughter of Al Pacino’s character…

Was played by Natalie Portman…

And even if an action movie daughter doesn’t become hot or famous, like Lucy McClane, Bruce Willis’s daughter in Die Hard…

They change history and recast her with a hot starlet, like Mary Elizabeth Winstead in Live Free or Die Hard…

It makes me wonder if this trend will continue. How much longer before I can admit that Dakota Fanning (Tom Cruise’s daughter in War of the Worlds) is hot? Not yet? Okay, never mind then.

0:18 – That’s Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas. Apparently she used to be white.

0:39 – Whoa, that little shrimpy girl on the right is dancing a little too sexy for a nine year-old.

0:51 – Ah! Little sexy midget girl is Jennifer Love Hewitt!

0:58 – Tonya Harding?

1:09 – KEYTAR!

1:35 – Those guys got beat up in high school. A lot. Odds are at least one of them is a woman now.

You’re welcome.

Angela Lansbury turns 85 today, and I gotta say I’m a fan. This lady used to play some bad bitches back in the day. Just look at her scowl:

Luckily for us, she ventured from mean-girl roles to kind-grandmother roles, occasionally stretching to play a talking teapot. She was in Bedknobs and Broomsticks, which is my favorite Disney movie that has Nazis in it. And of course, she quickly became the female version of Matlock on Murder She Wrote.

Plus she dressed up like this once:

Thank you, Angela. That’s weird and adorable in all the right ways.

Stephen King movies are generally hit-or-miss. And it seems that the more personal input King has in the movies, the worse they are (just compare Stanley Kubrick’s version of The Shining with the TV miniseries version that King wrote the script for). Cat’s Eye (1985, directed by Lewis Teague) has a screenplay by Stephen King and is actually three short films in one. The chapters are connected by a cat that wanders from story to story, as well as Drew Barrymore playing a different character in each section. Since the main focus is a cat, we made a bunch of smelly ol’ seafood.

Menu:

Albacore-Stuffed Tomatoes
Salmon Cakes*
Tuna Noodle Casserole
Crispy-Skinned Salmon Filets
Goldfish Crackers
Swedish Fish (for dessert)
*recipe below

The first short film, “Quitter’s Inc.” stars James Woods as a man trying to quit smoking. The self-help guru he hires uses an interesting form of persuasion: threatening to electrocute Woods’s wife and rape his retarded daughter (Barrymore) if he is caught having another cigarette. The second story, “The Ledge” is about a gambler who bets his wife’s lover (Robert Hays) that he can’t walk around the ledge of a skyscraper. Yeah, that’s about it. The third section, “The General,” is the most memorable for all of us who saw this movie as children on daytime TV; about a troll living inside the walls of a little girl’s bedroom. At night, the troll breaks through the wall to suck the breath from the girl (Barrymore) while she sleeps.

Some thoughts:

-Drew Barrymore was in her awkward Cindy Brady stage at this point in her career. The question is, how adorably coked-up was she during filming?

-If we’re ranking the stories, “The General” is the best, then “Quitter’s Inc.” with “The Ledge” way back in last place. After the first “whoa whoa whoa I’m about to fall!” scare, that’s all the story really is, over and over. But at least the pilot from Airplane! got a gig out of it.

-”The Ledge” also really shoehorns in a Barrymore appearance. She’s a hallucination that the cat sees in a TV screen. A hallucinating cat? Who was more fucked up during this thing, the cat or Drew?

-I think Barrymore was trying to win an Oscar by playing the retarded daughter in “Quitters Inc.” Unfortunately she was a little too Other Sister and not enough Rain Man.

-I liked how “The General” was a take on the old wives tale that cats suck the breath of babies while they are sleeping. Housewives in the ’50s needed an excuse for why their babies were dying of SIDS. I’m sure the fact that they were swigging martinis and sucking down Virginia Slims during the pregnancies had nothing to do with it.

-Some cameos from Stephen King characters, like Cujo and Christine.

-’80s movies had a lot of cunty mothers, and “The General” is no different. Candy Clark plays Barrymore’s mom who wants to murder the girl’s new pet cat. She sucks hardcore.

-I made it through this entire review without any pussy puns. Who’s proud of me?

Cat’s Eye-Style Salmon Cakes Recipe:

3 teaspoons extra-virgin olive oil
1 small onion, finely chopped
1 stalk celery, finely diced
2 tablespoons fresh parsley, chopped
15 oz. canned salmon, drained (make sure you get boneless and skinless. ‘Cause that shit is gross).
1 large egg, lightly beaten
2 teaspoons Dijon mustard
1 3/4 cups breadcrumbs (you should make your own. Store-bought breadcrumbs make it too dry and sandy. Just take some stale bread and run it through a food processor for a minute).
1/2 teaspoon pepper

Preheat oven to 450°F. Coat a baking sheet with cooking spray. Heat half the oil in a skillet over medium/high heat. Add onion and celery, stir around and cook until the veggies get soft. Stir in the parsley and remove from heat. Put salmon in a bowl and flake with a fork. Add the egg and mustard and mix well. Add onions and celery, the breadcrumbs, and pepper and mix it all together. Mold the mixture into about 8 patties, slightly smaller in size than hockey pucks (I’m manly ’cause I use sports references in cooking recipes).

Heat the rest of the oil in the skillet over medium heat. Add the patties and cook on one side until golden brown, about 4 minutes. Use a spatula to turn them over onto the baking sheet, so the raw portion is side-down. Bake the patties for 15-20 minutes until they are cooked throughout. Serve with a lemon wedge and a side of Tartar sauce. Then brush your teeth. No one likes fishy breath. Except lesbians.

*Recipe adapted from EatingWell.com

Then I stumbled upon this little video, which plays “California Gurls” at the same time as Ke$ha’s (again with the stupid misspellings) “Tik Tok” and Miley’s “Permanent December.”

Turns out they are exactly the same song. I understand that pop songs follow a specific format and formula, so I don’t fault them for that. But even each Auto-Tuned voice sounds exactly the same. If Christina Aguilera puts out a generic pop song, at least it has her distinct voice on it. Katy Perry already stole her face from Zooey Deschanel. The least she could do is have an original voice.

Let the search to find these elusive, delicious, earwax-resembling cookies in a California grocery store begin.